You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
