if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
