got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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