fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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