another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
