well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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