I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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