I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
