Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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