There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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