I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
