I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
