Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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