Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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