I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize