please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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