I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
