My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
