hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
