I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
