i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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