I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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