I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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