Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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