think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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