I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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