You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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