Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
