She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
