i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
