Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
