he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
