1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
