Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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