The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i've created a new STD.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
They are going to name an STD after you.
Two words: blizzard sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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