i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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