I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
