She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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