drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
