it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
