Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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