Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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