so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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