It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
