dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
