I checked into jail on foursquare
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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