I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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