I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize