Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
