if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
