Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
