I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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