He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
