if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My penis needs a shock collar
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
