soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
