Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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