Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
