Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
