he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize