I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Four minutes until I can fart!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
