so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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